Caving and caving in
thats the world that wont let me begin
to start something new
in this direction there are few
I know what I want
its my self whom I taunt
these things are held far from me
but i tell myself that’s where I should be
If I am right if I am wrong I’ll find out soon enough, it wont be long.
I’ll be ok if I never know
But There no harm in taking chances
to help everything flow.
What Does God Say? God says: I am His daughter. I am His bride. He will love me eternaly. I am worthy. He made me to be great, and to do great things. He made me to love, live and give. So then why do I doubt this daily? Why do I refuse to be loved by other people as much as they do? Why to I forget what God says? Why do I not do as he asks daily? But God won’t let me beat myself up for these things. No guilt. I am His daughter and bride who will fight for Him and in times when I feel down I will remember that He loved me so much to let His Son die for me, and that I was worthy enough. He made me to succeed and I chose to succeed in Him to help this world. I will love the widow, the orphan, an refugee. I will Give my time. I will live my life for Him. I hope to wake up every morning knowing that this is what I’m living for.
Its time that I go away
Took flight and went my way
To find myself is where I’ll be
To unlock these chains I’ll need a key
Where its hidden nobody knows
Its like chasing the wind as it blows
So pay no attention to these clocks
They’ll never help undo these locks
Don’t wait for me I’ll be okay
I promise to return and be back someday.
I LONG for God to put tendons and flesh upon my dry bones. To breath into the lungs and give it life. It feels as if these bones will be dry for a long time. I know I cannot make the bones become alive. God is the only one that can breath the breath of life into them. It is so hard to keep having faith that the will become alive…
Dry Bones bring we a world of hurt. Depression. Anger. Tears. I pray that I will be strong and keep enduring this….
SO maybe my post earlier was dramatic. I let one thing effect all my thought abut everything that I question at times… I thing the thing with Jenna is really taking a toll on me and my family. I don’t think I have ever felt so much pain. But God is so redeeming. This community God has placed me in is helping me to see the good. The light in the darkness. thank you.
So many things are going on right now that I truly feel like going crazy. I dont even think it would be a bad thing. I think if anything it would distract me from the things that are breaking my heart and ripping it from me. The things that if I were to deeply recognize and think about would definately give me an anxiety attack..
Theres people that are just so gone and lost. I sometimes envy thier ability to forget the things going on. But, its far to scary to do. It breaks my heart so deeply seeing the effects of their choices. Then theres the people in my life that I care so much for, but if I were to express how I worry about them and pray for them they would reject the way I care. I also feel like my releationship with my mom and dad is fake. I love them to death but its so hard to express that. I long to be close to them like when I was a kid. I often try to bring back memories of when I was a kid so I can see how much they loved me. I know they dont love me any less… but I cant feel it anymore.
The most hurtful thing going on right now would be my sisters apathy for anything but her boyfriend. I love her so much and I pray for her so often. This is what makes my body ache.
All of this hurt, yet God is still blessing me. I cant understand why. I just know I feel Him. He makes everything feel worth it. He is doing crazy stuff in peoples lives whom Myself and other are reaching out to. I can’t imagine how He can endure my pains with me… but He does.
I’ll come out of this…. somehow. Thanks God
This summer God really rocked my world and the way I view everything around me. I interned with Frontline and got to see God work in ways I couldn’t believe. I did stuff that I didn’t nececsarily want to, but I did it anyway. No to mention, God showed me how to really love His peolple and how to reach out.
Lately though, I’ve been contemplating a few things in my mind. Its like I have two amazing things to choose from, but both are radically different and have the same goal: Bring God to people. I am slowly leaning towards one side more than the other. I have been repeating three words over, and over in my mind and thought I should shre them with you.
DO HARD THINGS.
I have really thought about this and have come up with a few things that it means. 1. What things do I find hard or that make me step out of my comfortzone big time? 2. You will grow from the hard things you do in life. 3. stretch my faith.
I know whats been hard for me in my walk with God and am starting to realize that I need to go after those things and see where God is taking me and my vision on what I want to do for His kingdom. I know I am going to DO HARD THINGS, but what they are is still not clear to me.
“where you go I go.What you say I say, God. What you pray I’ll pray”
Last night as I was getting ready to leave I went to say good-bye to Janelle and Alex. They were having an interesting conversation with Joe. The name “Satan” was brought us and suddenly a girl sitting at the table goes into this huge spiel about how Satan just means change. That sometimes change is good. To make a long story short and because I have to go. She was an intellectual. I have never had a conversation with this type of person before. It was interesting. Hard. But most of all heartbreaking… To be that lost in your own mind and thought process it like a jail. Even though they seem to think they are to free in their thought process… Gods showing me more and more of the way people think lately.
I am hoping and praying that I will be able to do some missionary work in the Phillipines soon…
As my dating commitment is coming to a quick end I have decided to extend it till the end of summer and maybe further. I can see now that God is wanting me to be focused. I am seeing not only what I want in a relationship, but in friendships as well. I can’t believe how much I have grown this semester thanks to our amazing community at New Song, but especially at MCC Intervarsity.
I love God and trust that one day when He brings me someone worth my love that it will be a truly happy begining as we share our lives with one another and God.
I decided to make a list. I need one. ( a real one)
