a mirror (mere?) year

each year contains its own mirror. some are cracked chipped and broken. some of, not easily spoken. memories of being  torn down, fallen down, let down. but i know, on top i stand my king and i hand in hand. the new year awaits an empty canvas to paint. i hope and pray for vibrant colors so grand, though i know there will be moments i can hardly stand. Ill want to give up and give in, the enemy is mistaken if he thinks he will win. and so another mirror is soon on its way, each piece formed day by day.

My ball of yarn

I look behind me and the past still lingers,

Like a twisted ball of yarn in my fingers.

I wish to undo its strings of madness,

but undoing some would cause great sadness.

its heavy, strings thick, at its knots I try to pick.

I pull, I rip I always lose my grip.

My fingers so sore,

I can’t do this anymore!

Not on my own. 

 

 

This Journey

This journey I have chosen:

It is often the path less traveled.

The road is more narrow, and the terrain rough.

I sometimes focus more on the steps I have already taken.

There are times I stray left or right.

There are times I try to take someone along with me who doesn’t know the way.

Parts of it are dimly lit, and gloomy

I will admit that I am often lost. But,

There are times that I can hear His voice, and I can feel Him.

When I talk to Him or am with others that know Him I feel His presence.

It reminds me that I am NOT alone. He is always there, should I choose to seek.

He has given me a guide, and a map to show me the way.

He is behind me, with me and awaits my love.

 

 

 

Seasons

NO IDEA what kind of season I am in right now. Somehow Im ok with that. I may not get to always know what ways God is stretching me and growing me right away. i might have to wait awhile to find out. I love that God is so mysterious.

I am in such a different part of my life though. I do not fully recognize what I must do to keep moving. I know to keep looking to God. If that’s all I have for now. Good.

He will guide my heart and my longings.

We keep it in the back

These walls that we tear down. The big ones, the small ones, the ones that are cracked. The ones we cannot see, the ones that are in our face. THE WALLS that keep us from God.  Sometimes we let them come crashing down, but we got a FRESH batch of cement, that we keep in the back.

Remember Him

Dealing with so much going on, but also needing to bring Jesus into it is hard. I have always tried to deal with my own problems knowing what I should do. That I CAN lay these things at His feet and that He wants me too. But, I have so much pride. Even pride I do not recognize. It makes me sad that I can look at these problems without asking for His sight to truly see what is going on. That He is the only way to fix these things. That He is always the way, and I should not lean on my own understanding.

Even as I write this I feel the distance I place between me and God. I do not know what this wall is that needs to be broken down. This veil I wish could be lifted on its own. But, I need to turn to Him. I need to run, NO sprint towards Him. As I run I need to let go of all these things in my arms that I am burdening myself with. That I am holding up. Because these arms, these HUMAN arms are growing tired. I needn’t run far. Because He was right there beside me all along. But, holding onto these things all on my own left me feeling like I was running trying to rid myself of them. And THIS, is how I feel.

I must remember my FIRST Love.

The Drink that will fill you empty

Whether you pull the tab or pop the top

or open the bottle it won’t stop.

A sip here a chug there

your caught, tangled  in its snare.

To put it politely, your owned.

You can’t resist it’s scent

your souls value it has spent.

Your dignity, your honor, your self respect

walked out the door with your right mind.

This all may sound a little unkind,

But its the cold truth. Handle it or be blind.

Our faith will come

As I read Hebrews 11 this morning, I was so inspired! I felt as if my faith was strengthened by readying the way the people of the old testament were so faithful. That it was their faith in God that helped them get through tough times. Where they would never be able to have gotten out of their circumstance if it were not for God himself.

I also was reminded of the ways I have been faithless. Where I have admitted to God that I had no faith in certain moments. I truly believe I am able to bring that to God. With honesty from my heart. He is so full of grace and mercy.  It is in those moments alone I know I am at my weakest. I also know in those moments God is strong for me. Having faith in that. That’s when I know my faith will come.

Home.

Since I have been home ( 2 months +) I have had to realize that I am not the same person that stepped onto that plane so many weeks ago. I have changed so much spiritually and mentally. My heart has been put into other things that I once over looked.

The biggest struggle since I have been home is finding purpose. I feel like I am waking up to old habits. I feel somewhat distant in my own mind from Daddy. But, I know he’s there. I know I can hear him if I just listen. I know that he hears me despite the lies of the enemy.

I am daily finding that I need to be patient as I wait on the lord. Strength comes to those who wait. I am so thankful that I can come home and be unsatisfied with the life I have. That I know that I don’t like being comfortable with my home, food, job, friends, school, car, ect. (you get the idea). I love the way God is calling me to rely on Him daily for comfort and direction. I am so in love with God and feel like my experience has caused me to fall in love with Him all over again. I feel such a strong connection to China and its ppl.

I will continue to push through whatever is blocking me from seeing clearly. I know that this is a season of my life that is imperative to me growing from and into where God wants me.

My China Adventure

This summer I was involved in the China Global Project (SD). Over the summer a number of events occurred. Many were culture shocks, while others were intriguing. There were even moments that way change my life and the way I feel and interact with God. These are those moments.

 

One of my most memorable moments on the GP was when we were able to go out into the city on our own with our students. We were able to travel to a part of Chongquing called Hongya don and Chef an be. My girls took me to a building right on the bay of the river and we were able to head into a place with dozens of choices of foods and vendors. I got to make candy, watch a man make rice noodles, and walk under a waterfall. The most memorable part of this day was the way the girls loved on me. They made sure I was ok at all times. That I was eating enough (and liking what I was eating). I felt as if I was with my best friends without a care in the world.

 

The most challenging experience and most shocking to me was on our boat trip. We traveled for 4 days on the Yangtze river with many Chinese natives and our students. On the last day we were waiting to get off the boat slowly getting to our destination. My best friend was also on the trip with me. She came to me and told me a Chinese woman had come up to her and wiped her skin with her finger trying to see if her color would wipe off.  She is black. I think that was the moment on the trip where I redlined the hardest. I was so angry and upset.  I didn’t know what to do. We prayed over it as a team. The injustice I experienced that day filled me with compassion. Compassion for this culture has no idea what equality is. Diversity. Gods love.

 

Some of the most important things I learned on trip is the importance of letting people know you love them. We let the students know when we left that the love we have for them came even before we met any of them. That we prayed for them. They cried at learning this. I learned that we may look different and come from different countries, but our humor had no barriers! We had a good time laughing and telling jokes and times of our childhoods. I also learned that when you are away. God takes care of things. While I was gone my brother was going through some hard times health wise. His anxiety problems were at an all time high. It was hard giving that to God but, I did. The end resulted in my brother coming to Christ while I was in another country.

 

I have always tried to roll with the punches. I knew things were going to happen when I least expected them. That I was going to have to have the utmost amount of patience in some instances. I got frustrated at times yes, but knowing that God is greater than those things kept me going. My decrement for when people weren’t doing well, or feeling well definitely kicked in for the students and my team mates. As far as my deepest self, we took the strengths finder test and found out some pretty cool stuff. Some surprised me, and some made complete sense to why I am the way I am.

 

New insights led to me realizing why I have always connected with God, even when I didn’t know it was Him as a child. It also revealed the way I hear Him. Head knowledge became experimental knowledge when we were living with our room mates and working with one another. Acknowledging who was an introvert and who was an extrovert helped a ton. God was so present to me this summer! In the times we would wake up early to have prayer in a teammates room, and pray as a team. We would have listening prayer. I think before the summer, there were times when I could not hear God. Try as I might, it was blocked. When I started inviting him to speak, he SPOKE.

 

As a team I learned how we all bring something important to the table. We all are different, but so alike. It was by no accident that all of us were on the team and became quick friends. God used each and everyone of us in one another’s lives in special ways. I needed each of my team mates and leaders this summer so much. If and one was missing when they were sick or too tired, they were really really missed! We were able to build one another up and push each other onward through tough times.

 

Since China, I have looked at different ethnicities a lot differently. That each persons ethnicity is important to who they are. The culture of China is a culture I will always hold a special place for in my heart. I learned more patience and calmness than I knew possible. That the friendliness of people was so genuine. I think more about what I say more now. Not completely.. But more. Hah. I saw God in their love for us. It was definitely unconditional. The ways they provided for us warmed me. The joys they had for the smallest of things. God was present even in the lives of people who didn’t know him.

 

Cultures impact on faith in almost indescribable. It lets you see how God is just so good. That he is a God of diversity, and a God who loves the different cultures he has made. It shows how big he is. I think that we as Christians need to be praying more for countries like China. That we need to be doing something about all these people needed to hear the gospel. That we need to be living out the great commission!!!

 

Our lives as westerners was questioned in ways that we question ourselves quite a bit. With education and careers, and love. I found that to be very eye opening. We all want the same thing, and we all need the same thing: Jesus. I was God to enable me to be more focused on Him. He is my everything. I want God to enable me to be more faithful. He has done great works in my life, and will continue to do so. Lastly, I would like God to enable me to get others motivated in missions. Me are all called to it. Lets live out Gods word! I want to change the way I see people as Just people. We are all people so uniquely made.

 

I would love to return to China. God willing for another global project. My heart aches to be there everyday I am here, and even more on the days I see something from China, about China, and when I get emails from my friends. I will continue to pray for my friends, the places I visited, and China as a whole. God loves them! I will also keep in close contact with my friends. I will never forget them. I know by me talking about China, sharing photos, and praying with friends that I can encourage them to see what God is doing in China, and here for China. This summer will impact my whole life. It will help me to better understand Gods plans for me. To become more of who he has created me to be living out my life to its fullest potential. I hope that I can talk about this when I am 60!!