Kinda been reflecting on life lately. Things aren’t as simple as they used to be. Its hard sometimes to find joy in these times. But, Jesus really is what makes me happy lately and brings me out of this rut i’m in. Not to mention the amazing community of friends I have..
I don’t always except me for me. Love me for me. The other night was super hard. Having to say good things about myself was super difficult. I have always tried to stay humble and float under the radar. not be noticed too much ya know. I keep hiding in my “confidence” because I am scared of people seeing me for me.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Thats something worth yelling at the top of your lungs. There is so much truth behind it…
So, a few years ago I heard a speaker on my Mexico internship tell us about a girl he had met on one of the O.M ships. She was talking to Him about her relationship with Jesus and then began to cry. She said ” sometimes I feel so selfish. When everyone is out in the villages and towns hanging out,I like to hide up in my room and just lay down thinking about how much Jesus loves me.” He was so touched by what she had said, but sensed she had felt guilty about this. So he told her, ” I’m a father, and if my daughter told me how much she tought of my love for her I would be the happiest father alive. God is smiling on that.”
I had always wondered what it would be like to think about how Jesus loved me the way she did. To really understand how comforting it is. Lately I’m really starting to be able to take a step back and look on all the blessings that He has brought me, and the the trials He has brought me through. I once was clueless of what Gods love felt like. I now am so filled with what I know Has to be His love. There are literally no words to describe the way I feel when I think about His love. I can only hope and pray that what I feel and have makes me contagious. That those around me can feel and understand what I feel. I want that for everyone I know and come in contact with. 
peace&love
Each day I get closer to the semester starting, I feel like I am a magnet drawing ever closer and faster to what is waiting for me. I am excited beyond words in how I know God will use me. I have changed so much these past 2 semesters. I am definitely a different person and God is responsible. I trust Him with all I have. I find my identity in Him. That is so comforting.
So much good has come from my Urbana experience. I feel overwhelmed by the way God is using me. I never expected His love to be drowning me in all I could have ever hoped and prayed for. I want to cry everytime I think about His love in my life and the love he wants me to bring from Him to everyone. I feel whole. He completes me lol The more I am understanding God the bigger He is getting. That once scared me. But, now it helps fuel the flame I need.
Can we be culturally diverse?
I mean like celebrating all cultures. Not this melting pot that has been poured into this mold to be shaped.
I will not conform. I need more.
from all directions. This spiritual hunger is different than you might think.
When God has called you to something, that is bigger than yourself.
When it is not you who benefit directly, but spiritually.
when things are rapidly changing and falling into place.
When you are not comfortable.
When you realize you will never fit the mold, and you never have.
When you have people around you encouraging you and praying for and over you.
When nothing else seems to matter that you once worried about before.
You Will Know.
I just keep reflecting on this past year and how I have grown!
It was a year of pushing through things I never thought I would be healed from. God used the community I have with intervarsity spring retreat to bring me out of something that had been troubling me for 8 years. God allowed me to lay it at the cross and heal.
Then there was the summer I interned with frontline and grew so much. I definitely stepped out of my comfort zone and was able to reach out to a community that needs healing. There were mornings where I didnt want to go to the bus stop at the butt crack of dawn, but I did.
Then there was fall retreat. God used other people to speak into my life and help me gain direction. I felt like a real leader for once. Fall semester God really challenged me on campus too! but, also at home. Home is always going to be a challenge but I need to be faithful. God is good.
Then URBANA09 rocked me and my world! God appeared to me in ways that I would have never expected Him to. I have a love for the LGBTQ community and want to see healing be brought to it. God is bigger than all of the ways we have long mistreated and un-rightfully have judged a group of people that is NOT and should NOT be considered separate from our society. We are all His children and he desires to be their father no matter what. Its the Holy Spirits job to convict, Gods job to judge, and our job to love. I’m willing to let God move me and use me in this community
And of course, the year long dating commitment that ended January 1st. I feel good that I let God grow me in this area. I know what I want, definitely what I don’t want, and how I am willing to wait for God to put someone in my life where we fit one anothers mold. I know that I will not pursue but be pursued. I want to trust God with everything I am. It may not be easy but, I know God is here.
Hope everyone has a BLESSED YEAR! Be fruitful, challenge yourselves, and find community with people that will push you further than you think you can go..
Caving and caving in
thats the world that wont let me begin
to start something new
in this direction there are few
I know what I want
its my self whom I taunt
these things are held far from me
but i tell myself that’s where I should be
If I am right if I am wrong I’ll find out soon enough, it wont be long.
I’ll be ok if I never know
But There no harm in taking chances
to help everything flow.
What Does God Say? God says: I am His daughter. I am His bride. He will love me eternaly. I am worthy. He made me to be great, and to do great things. He made me to love, live and give. So then why do I doubt this daily? Why do I refuse to be loved by other people as much as they do? Why to I forget what God says? Why do I not do as he asks daily? But God won’t let me beat myself up for these things. No guilt. I am His daughter and bride who will fight for Him and in times when I feel down I will remember that He loved me so much to let His Son die for me, and that I was worthy enough. He made me to succeed and I chose to succeed in Him to help this world. I will love the widow, the orphan, an refugee. I will Give my time. I will live my life for Him. I hope to wake up every morning knowing that this is what I’m living for.
